I just Tweeted Alanis Morissette. Yes, I did. My iPod, on shuffle, had pulled up a song from the archives, her 1998 expression of gratitude for lessons from her journey, "Thank U" . I told her it still mattered. And something occurred to me: saying Thank You is a cornerstone of peace in my house.
With so much out of our control, my Andy and I have established ground rules for communication that keep the union strong even as the ways of the world are buffeting the structure of it. I am no relationship expert, to be sure, but so many of these parameters rose of the ashes of failed relationships:
-- Honest dialogue about what you're feeling is an imperative; hiding only hurts and does more damage.
-- No raised voices. Ever.
-- Crabbiness is allowed - bad moods happen - but with a clear statement about why you feel that way and what you need, even if that need is personal space.
-- Don't give up expressions of affection.
-- And this: acknowledge the other person with gratitude. (Note: The little stuff counts.)
A steady stream of thanks can provide a lovely smooth river over even the most jagged rocks of life. Corny, you say? Nothing to be grateful for, you say? S/he already knows I'm grateful, you say? Okay. Maybe all of that is true. But just as a gratitude journal kept for nightly personal acknowledgements can create an unexpected road map through troubles and trials, so an ongoing public statement of thanks can knit together the most tenuous relationships in uneasy times:
"Thank you for making breakfast."
"Thank you for picking up the dry cleaning."
"Thank you for digging the car out of the snow."
"Thank you for folding the laundry. You know I don't like folding."
"Thank you for meeting me at the doctor's office."
"Thank you for helping me talk through that work problem."
"Thank you for driving home. I was so tired."
"Thank you for picking up stamps."
"Thank you for your help making the bed."
"Thank you for your help in preparing dinner."
"Thank you for taking the kids to school."
It's an endless stream that will not run dry with the right attention and can nourish dry patches and sweeten the most sour times. Just ask Alanis.
And you? How do you say thank you?
Once the "thank you's" stop, everything else in the relationshoip disintegrates. That is what I have found in my relationships. Those 2 words are the most uplifting words that can be shared with any person at any age. I'm posting your list of house rules in my home for my kids as a reminder. Hopefully it will stay with them when they are older.
ReplyDelete@Blackpearl - I know with a mama like you, those kiddos are going to turn out a-okay!
ReplyDeleteIt's important, I think, to take this one step further. How many times do we say "Thank you" without really acknowledging the person? It becomes casual, common place. Thank you to that waitress for bringing me a straw for my diet coke. Thank you to the guy that holds the door for me at the bank because I have a wiggly almost 3 year old in tow. Thank you to my office receptionist for pulling the lab results off the fax machine. Thank you to that almost 3 year old for handing me her snotty Kleenex instead of wiping it on the couch.
ReplyDeleteI have to remind myself to thank the PERSON. When someone does something particularly thoughtful, or if I am in a centered enough place to remember to do it, I try to take the extra step: Stop, eye contact, and a heartfelt "I appreciate YOU." Kind of like in Avatar with the "I see you" thing? Maybe. I think it's important in relationships. I wholeheartedly agree that saying it out loud, and not assuming that your partner knows it, makes all the difference in the world.
And, my dearest Catherine, I appreciate YOU. For so many reasons...
xoxo