When you belong to The Big D Club - that's divorce, not Dallas - newbies who come wandering in, bleary-eyed, scared, confused, look to the long-initiated for advice and hope for better things to come. It's like we're all some kind of addicts finding our way through a 12-step program: when you're new, you need a sponsor. Here's one piece of advice I learned and now share with newcomers, but even if you're no where near this particular club (it's not a fun one, per se), it's still relevant. I have employed this process with lots of other scenarios in my life.
Some decisions are made automatically by the court. Your state might not allow alimony, so that's done. Or there's a set calculation for child support based on things like number of children, their ages, the cost of your healthcare, how much money you earn, etc. Done. And lots of places in the States are 50/50 so buh-bye half of that 401k you worked 14 hour days to build up while your ex was unemployed. Sure, it's upsetting, but the law says, so you just move on. It's the discretionary stuff that gets really tricky.
A friend of mine was wrangling with her ex about her wedding dress. He wanted it, along with the engagement ring; she didn't think it belonged to him. She had a story to support her claim. Almost 20 years ago, she and her mom wandered into a little bridal boutique in New York City. The designer was some unknown called Vera Wang. She found a dress made of delicious silk. She loved it, but it was out of her budget. She was prepared to leave the dress behind. When she came out of the dressing room, back in her civvies, her mom had paid for the dress as a surprise gift. "My parents didn't come to my wedding [it was an interracial marriage in 1950's or 1960's Virginia], much less buy me a dress," her mother explained.
"That's not his dress to have!" my friend said to me now. "My lawyer said he has no right to it. And why would he want it?"
"Why would you?" was my question. Perhaps her daughter would want it? "Or maybe not," I said. The conflict was in his impulse to control the situation bumping up against her sense of justice. I have to say that I agreed with her sense of what was right in this case, but I said, "Let it go."
This was an upsetting and, at first, unthinkable option for her. Why should she let it go? It wasn't fair. It wasn't right. Why was he being so mean about it?
There's so much about a divorce (or, let's face it, about life) that challenges our sense of what is right or wrong. So much that's not fair. Everyone is angry. Everyone's hurt. Taking something belonging to the other party is an act of aggression. Often, by the time you get to The Big D, you've had quite enough of aggression in your relationship, so why stay on that worn rut that led no where good?
Like a good sponsor, I will only tell you the truth, what will work, even if you don't want to hear it. Here's what I learned:
Think of a bunch of balloons. Each balloon represents something important to you. You're holding onto the strings as tight as you can. In contentious break-ups, I see angry ex's tugging on those strings. They want all the balloons. They believe you owe them all of those balloons. The more they tug, the more you pull back. It's an exhausting push-me-pull-you. The best thing to do is think carefully about every balloon. What can you let go of? The more balloons you can release, the less tied you are to a sadness and badness. This applies to physical items (your "stuff"), money, fights, people (especially family). So, I said, "Consign the dress and send him the receipt along with half the money. Let it go."
We think our balloons lift us up, and often they might, for awhile, but a simpler approach provides more freedom and agility to move through life with ease because we're not afraid to lose, to let go. The Buddhists say that "grasping and wanting" is the source of all suffering. Who needs it? Letting go with forgiveness, with compassion, with an acknowledgement of fear, allows us to move into a better place, even if it's a new place in The Big D Club, Grasshopper.
And you? Have you ever let go of something important?
I *love* this post and find the timing amazing.
ReplyDeleteI recently had a tarot reading where my brilliant, insightful reader said I've been living my life like I need to hold onto every detail like it's the leash of a dog pulling hard to get away. I'm clenching and struggling to hold control.
Instead, she encouraged me to picture those leashes turning into balloon strings. I can tie each one to a finger and let them float overhead, regaining the ability to use both hands to live my life, and releasing the struggle.
Your advice takes it one step farther. What if those things aren't even worth tying onto my fingers? What if I should just open my hand and see what happens?
As my reader said, perhaps the dogs would be content to just curl up at my feet if I'd stop pulling so hard on their leashes.
I agree with the comments re buddhist approach, no ego, attachment or hate; practice compassion, letting go and being who you are , not defined by others around you.
ReplyDelete@Colleen - the universe is telling you something with all these balloon images! How exciting and intriguing.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous - it's a relief when that finally sinks in, isn't it?