A Friend in Need

Did you know the name of this famous "Dogs Playing Poker" painting is "A Friend in Need"?

When the bottom drops out of my life, as it is wont to do from time to time, I find a curious side effect is that The Unexpected Event serves as an accurate diagnostic tool to measure my relationships. It is a strange and uncomfortable ancillary benefit. Who is the loyal friend who will slip you that ace when you really need it?

There are disappointments. Sometimes friends, even long term ones, deliberately drop out of sight if the heat of your situation is too frightening or obscure for them to handle. Just ask anyone who has a serious illness or who has lost a partner or a child to an untimely death. They likely have a list of people who stopped calling.

More often, though, what feels like abandonment to the friend in need, is really just a selfish lack of consideration on the part of the guy holding the ace. Your personal catastrophe fails to register on his or her radar, even if you have spent vast swaths of time with that person while he or she nursed an emotional wound. This is jaw-dropping to me. Every. Single. Time. You would think I would learn, but learning this lesson is not my strong suit. I find myself staring blankly at the problematic hand I've been dealt, while my mind spins with the confusion and regret of finding out my bosom friend can't even be bothered to show up at the table.

When I stop to look around, though, I find a strong contingent of willing players. Ever hear the saying about friends who are there for "a reason, a season, or a lifetime"? They are all there when we need them. I call them "God's Army." (If you're not sure who can be trusted to help you in this capacity, just ask the universe for help. They'll appear rather quickly.)

Maybe a neighbor lets you borrow a car for a couple of weeks while you're shuttling to the hospital to see your mother. Maybe the kids' scout troop leader offers to watch them once a week for the duration of her hospital stay. My Reason was Carla, who let me crash at her place a number of times while I was transitioning my life from married to single and had to be in several places all at once. Even the friendly face on the bus who hands you a tissue when you're teary can be your friend who is there for a reason, even if the reason is just affirmation that what you're experiencing is real and worth grieving.

The season can be the college roommate who got you through that rotten freshman year before transferring. Maybe you get to know a co-worker who takes you to lunch during the time your child is undergoing chemo because he has "been there." The season people carry us over the fray to more solid ground. It's okay if we lose touch. They were there when we needed them, and we are grateful.

The life-timers, well, these are the glorious ones. They shine ever brighter during the fall out from The Unexpected Event. Diagnosis: trustworthy. We give thanks for the ones who have always been and for the newcomers who quickly establish themselves in this pantheon, as if they were born to shine there. But I mix metaphors. My point is this: these friends are the collective ace in the hole. I am grateful to have a winning hand indeed.